Monday, February 25, 2008

thanx to the readers

i appreciate those of you brave enough to step inside the mind of a man who is striving for honesty in life and more specifically faith. I realize it might be a weird experience some times but thanx for taking the time out of your day to pause and take a look.

timing... when to say something when not to.

for some its little more than a pause in a sentence. for others it is natural and comes with little effort. for some it comes once in a lifetime and still others its frequently bad and untactful. i find myself struggling these days with the issue of "waiting for the right time to say or do something. what happens when you think it is best to wait and you wait too long? what about when its best to act and you act too soon? its as if my salvation threw my timing off and I'm waiting to get my watch back from the shop.... well more like I'm trying to fix it myself... (I'll take the obvious answer and say i really do need to pray more about this but lets explore for the blog's sake)... is it that i care more about people? if it is then shouldn't it be a relatively simple task to utter things in unison with the "music"? it feels like people are listening to a different song some times. i guess it may be a desire for words to have maximum effect with understanding. am i whining? lol well i guess i may be wanting that. how and why are we waiting to tell people things? are the reasons we wait selfish?are we being too careful? do we have great surprises? are we being truly loving?is silence really golden? (am i being redundant?)and why are jokes funny when they shouldn't be and why are they not when they should? speaking of timing. did somebody say the pizza is done?aardvark... so whats this all mean in the big scheme of things? well i think it may have something to do with the previous blogs. wait for it... wait for it... wait for it...
all good things come to those who wait?

also, why is it that the sabbath is so illusive?

Thursday, February 21, 2008

finishing the rambleings

so the last post was almost finished i have a few more things i put down on the old note book...

we try so hard 2 be normal/different/not weird/unique/accepted/ and whatever else I forgot... we look for a systematic,scientific, contradictory, philosophy of life (my grammar will be extra hideous today sorry) that fits in with our desires and motivations. we go along constantly tweaking standards and ways of thinking, temperaments, and other things of that nature, in order to be more homogeneous to ourselves and others... (not sure if this makes sens as i rewrite it) God takes care of all of it [we can identify completely and loose ourselves in him... and then find ourselves again :O) ]...i know it sounds like a cop out to some people but its acom's razor. life was and is so simple before we over complicate it with disobedience and separation from/to God. I'm not saying its easy to walk completely in accordance with his will (it should be...but we muck it all up). i am saying we don't have to have the answers/rely on ourselves/be right/wrong. we just enjoy life celebrate God and just do what he says and we can be happy never "getting there" we can enjoy being "not finished" or "finished" just love God with all our might!

while i was still at the bar a few weeks ago..."hhmmm... to those who know) i'm in a bar again.. not getting drunk... not worried or nervous about being here.... it's a brand new experience... actively praying for people around me and n0t "scared" of alcohol or people or "what might happen". I know i wont fall back into my old ways.

hhhm squared....the slow pour still escapes America (lol)we need more Gueness taps and spoons.

my heart sometimes feels like a dark place that craves God's light... sometimes it feels like it is slipping through my fingers like water cupped in my hand.

i wish I could have some great epiphany (3 amigos/hook movies) and have an impact on the world... am I destined to mediocrity? am I ok with that? am i ok with it if that is what God wants? <- really? LOL

the indifference of

put a face on and get paid?

so that was probably a little more random than the last one but i will keep up the word jumbo as long as it keeps getting read.

by the way let me tell you how much i don't like not talking to christina. its not that bad of a feeling until isit and think about it... hey i can;t call her if i want to or if i have something i want to tell her... :O( i am glad she is where she is thought... untill her angelic voice meets my anguished ears again... i will distract myself with good food, good friends, studying, and disk golf... what a life!

Monday, February 11, 2008

about those thoughts

ok so here goes the thoughts i wrote down from the other night... I almost always feel the need to ;"help", "correct" or "set right injustices"... meaning a balancing of the scales... I get cought up in the equalization of almost everything in life (to a much greater extent before i gave my life to Christ... God is good). "an eye for an eye" is what i used to say. and i still feel that way to some degree. and its not even with people who have wronged me. its with joking and other things in everyday relationships.the thing i have a hard time with is that things aren't equal... life isn't fair. God didn't make it that way. then why am i left with this overwhelming urge to "act"? to not sit back and do nothing. in some cases this urge is very good and in others very bad. some times i am glad that God has not presented me with many oppertunities to "do something"... i dont know how far i would take correcting injustices. i would run in head first... this made me think of the book i am reading for the becoming a contagious christian class... in one of the temperment questions it asks if you are the kind of person that thinks " make a difference, make a mess, but do something". i thought right away "wow... they just summed it up". i look for oppertunities to jump in and "help" wanted or not (refering to people in actual trouble, with themselves or other people). I feel like a handcuffed vigilanty. tied down to my seat not taking action because... people should learn on their own, or its not my place, or they get what they diserve, or maybe God wants it that way.sometimes i get trapped in "philosophy" of my own or others and i don't hold fast to God's word (often i dont even know what God's word is). other times i let myself give in to the excuses... so i don't know exactly what all that means but it's a jumble of things i think about regularly... any coments concerns would be greatly appreciated and i have more but i am getting tired so look forward to that later... oh and Simon i don't know if this is how you do it but i am going to make an attempt anyway.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

first thought... a compilation of a nights rambling

so tonight was a cool night. i took Daniel to a concert and had lots of time on my hands sooo.... i went to a bar and sat down to do home work (bars stay open late and are pretty cheep) and ended up getting side tracked and doing some "deep thinking" lol... who would have thought i could do it! :O) i wrote down the things i was thinking in my note book.... but my thoughts may be random and jump around but should be good for some thoughts and or laughs. more about the thoughts later. The totally awesome thing that happened after my "deep thinking" was... i got to witness to a guy named josh right outside the bar. 

as i was leaving the bar/pub i was wondering what it would be like to walk around portland praying for people. so i started praying for the bar and the people around me when i was leaving. after exiting i took maybe 20 steps to the corner of the street. as i was preparing to cross when a guy walked up to me and asked for the time... then asked if i had some "nuggets" (marijuana to those who don't know). i told him  no (of course) and then asked why he smoked "weed". he told me it was just something he had always did. we began talking about that and the i asked what he thought God thinks about him doing that. we began an incredible conversation that lasted about an hour. he pretty much told me that he believed in God, isn't sure if Jesus was the son of God, and that he would like to seek God. i invited him to church with me. he seemed really enthusiastic about the offer. i gave him my number and told him to call me so we could go to church together. i told him i don't have all the answers but i am willing to help him seek God and learn about God with him. I really hope he calls. please pray for josh. as for the thoughts.... i guess i will have to save that for another post. My wonderful girlfriend is on the phone with me right now waiting for me to finish this post.... she is so awesome.

my new blog!

so this is a new thing for me... the bogging and what not :O) i just want a place to write down some of my thoughts and feelings for people to see and comment on... i am open to discussion and would love to hear/read others thoughts.